In stressful situations, it’s super easy to fall back into your old habits. It’s way more challenging to keep going and stick to your commitments, resolutions, and goals when going through some tough time.
When I was in primary school and later on in high school, I used to do everything in advance, so I had plenty of time to study, do my homework and finish my projects. The feeling of responsibility, duty, and pressure kept me going and do everything ASAP to get rid of that feeling. Later on, as I switched to university, I became a terribly procrastinating person with no intention to do things on time (or do them at all) and zero responsibility. I believe that my desire to be perfect, setting up unrealistic goals and expectations lead to this, but I also believe that my eating disorder is the one that affected me to become this miserable person.
I excel at writing everything down, planning anything from how many hours to sleep to a pee time, however, I suck at actually doing it. And by suck at it, I mean it all starts and end with the planning.
Each time I’m under pressure, I get this alert voice in my head Run, run, run!!! I have this terrible urge to escape from everything, quit anything that makes me feel like this and never do things like that again. It’s so coward-like it is. But it’s understandable. Nobody wants to expose themselves to things that are so uncomfortable.
If you want to recover from any type an eating disorder, you need to accept that your body will change. Moreover, your body will change throughout your whole life. When you’re younger, it may be easier for you to lose weight. Couple years later, you may need to work twice as hard to get your desired body. If you’ve been constantly dieting and binge eating, it might be much harder to find the balance between food, cravings, and health.
It’s been a huge struggle for me to accept that I’m not that skinny (or skinny at all) as I was when I was 18. My weight was about 50kg/173cm and I looked like a tiny little boy with no boobs and no butt. I never got to the point of being happy with the way I looked as I just came from anorexia straight to binge eating and bulimia. You can imagine how terrible I felt when I met some of my ex-classmates, friends or relatives and seeing their surprised faces as they remembered me as that skinny girl that doesn’t eat. I hated myself, I started to cover my body with more and more layers of clothes and I got rid of all colorful pieces in my closet except the black ones.
Some of my closest people often made (and unfortunately still make) inappropriate hints about how I am eating, that I’m not that skinny anymore etc. For me, this is one of the toughest parts of the recovery and I will definitely talk about it in one of my articles.
Here are few things that helped me in this process.