Yesterday, I fought as much as I could to resist and not break the cycle. I got dressed up to hit that binge-store-frenzy, then I stopped and realized that’s not what I want. I’m over this, right?! Wrong. So I went back home, changed into my yoga pants and watched some YouTube videos. Then again, it hit me harder than before – You are never going to change. People don’t change. This is who you are and who you’ll be for the rest of your misery life. You will be a loser forever.
I suddenly felt like a failure. I felt so desperate for trying to change and for trying to be someone else, someone I’m not. Maybe, someone, I can appreciate and love? I felt like such a fool. I was angry and upset. I hated myself, and I hated that bitch (the eating disorder) for ruining my life.
I’ll show you a binge, I told myself. I’ll plug your fucking voice forever with all that food and throw up so hard that you’ll die and have nothing on me anymore (like if I could hurt “her” and not me).
I jumped angrily into my car and drove to the nearest store, tears filling my eyes.
During my binge-shopping, I didn’t really know what to buy. I didn’t even crave anything. I wanted to have a healthy dinner like a normal person. I went home with a bag full of food and threw it in the corner.
Not anymore, bitch. You’re not gonna get me again. Fuck the cold weather, fuck the darkness, I want to go out for a run, not to sit at home and stuff my face.
I turned on loud music and started dancing. Then I switched to workout videos and tried to relieve all that terrible, burning anger through exercising. It felt good. I admit, I felt like a fool, but at the same time, I felt better for fighting. For not giving in so easily. During the past few weeks, I said “no” and didn’t give in so many times (but of course my perfectionist self is never satisfied). Then, I moved to yoga, and those thoughts hit me again. I was hungry, exhausted and I gave in. I failed. I haven’t finished my yoga workout (for the first time in 16 days).
But to some extent, it was all my fault. I ate very little throughout the day, came home late and I was too lazy to cook a proper meal for dinner.
Then, I procrastinate my life away watching Victoria’s Secret fashion shows on YouTube, hated myself for not ever being able to be as determined as them, not being as beautiful as them, popular and rich and skinny and awesome as them. I went to bed in anger again and read a book. Then I thought if I’m not gonna break that cycle now, I’m never going to break it. So I got up, cleaned my closet, my room, bathroom, kitchen and I washed the dishes. And I redesigned my blog. I felt like a lunatic, washing a bathroom sink at midnight. But I did it, and I didn’t want to stop until I realized it’s 1 AM and I should probably go to bed as I need to go to work the other day.
How is it possible that the last two weeks I was so focused and motivated even though I didn’t lose any weight, but felt so much better both physically and mentally? Because I wasn’t focusing on the amount of weight to lose or the target date of an event I wanted to look good at. I focused on not binge eating, eating properly, exercising and feeling good. I focused on the journey, not on the goal.
If I wake up in the morning wishing I’d be 40 pounds lighter, with an album released and two successful marathons passed, I’ll be bragging I don’t look like that at all and I didn’t do this and that, I won’t be happy. If I wake up looking forward to my healthy breakfast and recording a new song, then I feel happy and I have the motivation and determination to fight again.
Ever since my recovery began, I feel like I don’t fit anywhere. I don’t want to binge. When I do, I feel terrible and feel like this no longer is me. If I don’t, I’m confused about what kind of life this is. What would I do with all that responsibility? How do people live their lives without escaping it?
If I’m not my eating disorder, then who am I?