If you want to recover from any type an eating disorder, you need to accept that your body will change. Moreover, your body will change throughout your whole life. When you’re younger, it may be easier for you to lose weight. Couple years later, you may need to work twice as hard to get your desired body. If you’ve been constantly dieting and binge eating, it might be much harder to find the balance between food, cravings, and health.
It’s been a huge struggle for me to accept that I’m not that skinny (or skinny at all) as I was when I was 18. My weight was about 50kg/173cm and I looked like a tiny little boy with no boobs and no butt. I never got to the point of being happy with the way I looked as I just came from anorexia straight to binge eating and bulimia. You can imagine how terrible I felt when I met some of my ex-classmates, friends or relatives and seeing their surprised faces as they remembered me as that skinny girl that doesn’t eat. I hated myself, I started to cover my body with more and more layers of clothes and I got rid of all colorful pieces in my closet except the black ones.
Some of my closest people often made (and unfortunately still make) inappropriate hints about how I am eating, that I’m not that skinny anymore etc. For me, this is one of the toughest parts of the recovery and I will definitely talk about it in one of my articles.
Here are few things that helped me in this process.
Accepting yourself won’t happen overnight, but it doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. You’ll notice that later in the recovery process, it will be much less about the weight and the way you look and much more about the way you feel, the things you do and the goals your reach. You’ll care much more about the fact that you’ve been able to run again because you love it and not because you feel guilty about that last night binge. You’ll actually start to enjoy the fact that you had that meal with your boyfriend outside and that it didn’t trigger another binge/purge session for you. You’ll be proud of how many things you’ve been able to done and how many demons you’ve been able to conquer.
Don’t get too caught up in the number on the scale. I know how demotivating it may feel when you’ve been doing great for the past couple of days, then you hop up on the scale all excited just to see a bigger number than before. Your weight will fluctuate. You are a human being and we’re not perfect. Please remember, it’s not as much about the number as it is about the way you physically feel in your body. Some days I feel terribly bloated regardless of how healthy I ate, how much water I drank or how many hours I was sleeping. It sucks but it will get better. Every moment, every day and every try counts. On days like these, I focus on my mental health by doing yoga, meditating, reading a book or going for a run rather than “punishing” myself for not losing enough weight in the gym.
Don’t rush it. The body changes caused by bingeing, purging and starving didn’t happen overnight and they as well can’t disappear overnight. It takes time to heal your body and mind. Pushing yourself too hard doesn’t always equal better results. Don’t set up unrealistic goals, such as changing your diet overnight, cutting all junk food forever, or running 5 times a week. Good things take time. You’ll make yourself upset, exhausted, unhappy and demotivated. Take it slowly, step by step, get strong in each part you’re trying to change. Start with eating regularly, taste a new food each week, go for more walks. Be consistent.
Do It For The Right Reason. Okay, I said this before and will most probably say it 500 more times. Doing it for the right reason was the only thing that actually kept me going. Don’t do it for the weight loss, you won’t last. Don’t do it to be sexy in that party where your ex is coming. Don’t do it because your mum told you so. Find the right and true reason that works for you. For me, and I believe for most of you too, it’s been the health. If I did it for the weight loss, I never lasted. But once I realized how much I’ve been destroying my body, I felt so sorry for what sh*t I put my body through, and for what? For looking skinny with no energy and desire to live? Or for being overweight, throwing in the bathtub in the middle of the night alone and destroyed? Thanks, but I don’t want that anymore. Once you find your reason, it will be all much easier for you. You won’t have to force yourself, you won’t have to convince yourself that much anymore.
Your beautiful regardless of the dress size and number on the scale.