Do you know why I love writing? Because it gives you this awesome power to be your own therapist for a while. All of us, bloggers, writers, composers, journal keepers, whatever we write, we write it for ourselves in the first place. We sort out our thoughts. By writing it down and reading it, we get a chance to see what’s going on in our heads from a different perspective.
Not once have I ask myself while writing something, am I actually writing this to help someone or am I writing it for myself? And I believe that those articles, stories, lyrics you write for yourself, are in the end the most helpful stories for others. Why? Because they come from within. They are not just playfully and grammatically correct arranged words, but they have a meaning, they are based on a true experience accompanied by feelings.
My mind often feels like an unreachable madness spinning faster and faster. It seems like it will never stop and my mind will burst. It’s easy to get lost in the unstoppable stream of your own thoughts. But writing all thoughts down, as crazy as they might be, can help to sort out the madness and get a clear picture of what’s going on within your mind, with you and with your life.
Lately, I’ve noticed, that I’m scared of the things I like. Seriously. I feel that I could ruin them and devaluate them by actually doing them. When I hear a song I like on the radio, I listen to like 5 seconds of it and then quickly retune to something else.
When I enjoy my run and feel like I could run more than the last time, I say, okay, that’s enough, stop running and go home.
When I’m practicing singing and I feel really good about it, a thought of moving to the next level and recording it comes to my mind. But all I say in my head is okay, let’s do it next time. The next time hasn’t come in 6 years. I’m afraid that if I will hear myself singing, it will be just a proof to myself that I am not a good singer, that I suck at it and that I’m not good at anything. I could take more vocal lessons, I could invest more time in developing my voice, I could write my own songs. But that’s all beyond the comfortable.
I love dancing and I often watch YouTube videos of these awesome dancers. I’d like to learn from them. I watch tutorials on how to shuffle, on how to do a split and headstand, but I always stop it before I even try. I try for like two seconds and then I think, maybe one day. I’m too scared that doing it is just a confirmation to myself how stupid I am and for not being able to learn anything anymore.
When it comes to my school, I created this love-hate relationship. I barely pass, I postpone everything to the latest deadlines possible, just to prove myself how stupid the whole school system is as it’s causing me too much stress and puts me under too much pressure. It could be different. I could put more (or at least some) effort to study, to care, and to listen, but I don’t. It’s all too uncomfortable.
I’ve learned French on and off for five or six years. I never got past that ninth lecture, because that’s when things actually got a bit more challenging. That chapter required me to step out of my comfort zone and spend some extra time by learning new grammar and remembering new words. It also meant to eventually mess up a few times, to mix up the meaning of some words and to conjugate the verbs over and over again. Too uncomfortable to go that way. Too uncomfortable to try. I didn’t realize that the uncomfortable is just the path to something better.
And I still don’t realize that, most of the times. It’s easier to see problems instead of solutions. It’s easier to do things you’ve always done rather than do what you never did, at least for me.
One similar pattern that sticks out of all these things I wrote down is the comfort zone. Boy how much I hate getting out of it. It’s full of fear, unpredictable, both great and terrible things. But how the hell do I know when I never got beyond it?
My mum often says that it’s much easier to say what you don’t want rather than what you actually do want. And whether we like it or not, most times, what we want is out of our comfort zone. So we just keep comforting ourselves that we don’t actually want that, that we don’t want to have such a diverse job, that we don’t want to leave our toxic relationship, that we don’t need to learn this new thing…
I believe it’s kind of the same with eating disorders. It’s hard to give it up because it’s an excuse, it’s a defense wall. Life during the eating disorder is not a real life. You’re hiding yourself in a bubble. You know that eventually, you’ll have to pop that bubble and face the harsh reality. You know that the way you’re treating your body is unsustainable and you
hope know that the life afterward may be scary and hard, but also beautiful and interesting.
Meaning of this article? I just needed to be my therapist. I needed to help myself. Maybe, it will help some of you. <3